finding real community
This morning, during my yoga practice, the instructor spoke about a Hindi principle known as Tapas. Tapas is the dedicated practice of self-discipline to burn away impurities and achieve spiritual growth. In other words, we have to push through the uncomfortable shit to get to the really good stuff. On a cuter and more clothing related level, this was the same principle that inspired me to create the “I Have Everything I Need” Style BINGO challenge. At the end of a long 2024, I was tired of living in lack mentality; worrying and stressing that I didn’t have enough. When my higher self gave me the mantra, “you have everything you need,” I was able to push through that discomfort toward a place of unexpected abundance and suddenly, my stress seemed to disappear.
Equipped with an overflowing cup, I began concocting an idea to pour that freedom into my style community. I wanted them to experience that same release from lack mentality’s grip. All they had to do was channel some ~tapas~ and get a little creative with their clothing to realize that even in the face of all the noise and temptation in this world, they do actually have everything they need. Hence the name of the challenge.
My gut told me this challenge was going to be amazing, but I wrestled with the idea of creating a space where the participants could connect. See, I’m a people person and I always crave community, and at the mention of upcoming challenge, my clients told me they were craving it too. But Alexis, my inner critic had a major problem with this idea.
In case you’re not as engrossed in inner voice work as I am, our inner critics are the ones that protect us from danger, heartache, and rejection. Their job is to keep us alive and safe, but oftentimes in the process, they end up holding us back from feeling the discomfort that leads to the really good stuff. #tapasblockers. Alexis is no exception here. She’s particularly accustomed to protecting me from rejection: the type I usually experience after I try to bring people together. Because she’s watched me become the outcast of almost every friend group I’ve been a part of, she created a protective rule:
“You’re not allowed to bring people together. When you bring people together, you will be punished and get yourself kicked out.”
So naturally, when I started to consider creating a community around the BINGO challenge, she freaked out.
“REALLY?! You want to be rejected professionally too?! ARE YOU INSANE?!”
Turns out I’m either a genius or a glutton for punishment because I thought, “Let’s try one more time.”
And just like that, despite her numerous historically accurate objections, I created a slack group message dedicated to connection and community.
Alexis and I were not prepared for the magic that happened. Within the first 24 hours of the challenge, I watched astounded as my slack group message, made up of 28 women, become a gushing waterfall of thoughtful and genuine support.
Holy shit. It worked.
Ensue my inner voice rave! My higher self, inner child, and inner teen were belting broadway hits at the top of their lungs, making up dance routines to every song. My inner critic, of course, ignored the party and found something to worry about. Alexis lurked in the corner, tensely sipping a gin and tonic. She answered my inner teen’s invitation to join in with an unconvincing smile. A seed of doubt was spreading through my inner critic. She didn’t trust this feeling. The other character shoe was bound to drop.
Burdened with Alexis’ doubt, my inner teen spent the next 2 weeks scouring every post, message and comment, looking for evidence of my “inevitable” rejection. Her spiral started small: “Wow, look at all of these really insightful comments they’re giving each other, they really know a lot about personal style.” Then it grew: “Kinda seems like they don’t need me, by the time I comment back, everyone has already said what I would have.” Which lead to the whirlpool of self destruction: “Shit, now that they found each other, no one will want to work with me after this.
My business will close.
I won’t have a job
I’ll have to start all over again!”
Bit of a drama queen, my inner teen. And as you’ve probably already guessed, none of the “evidence” she collected was factual. She was looking for any scrap of proof that Alexis was right. If the rejection was going to happen, she was going to be so prepared for it that she might even prevent it.
Like many times before, my higher heard her cue and called in outside perspective. After reflection with my best friend and a trusted colleague, I brought all my inner voices back to reality. I made my inner teen look back through the slack group message with fresh eyes. And she was shocked. Abundance was everywhere. Support and encouragement were flowing.
”Wait, was this group of women ACTUALLY lifting each other up? AND no one was trying to kick me out? Had I finally found real community?”
My higher self replied. “Yes, queen. And what’s more is, you were the one who created it. You had to push through the discomfort to learn that this Alexis’ rule wasn’t protecting you, it was holding you back from the good stuff. “ And then she smirked as she added, “How bout them tapas?”
Well damn, I think this calls for a rewrite! Now the rule sounds more like this,“I am allowed to bring people together. I should bring people together. Magic happens when I bring people together. Creating community is one my greatest gifts.”
What my higher self knew before I created the group was that this particular one would be special. This time was different. Real community isn’t made up of people who’s love and approval you have to chase after. It isn’t made up of people to whom you have to prove your worth. My community is different because its made up of women who believe in the power of celebrating self expression. Which means, despite their many differences, everyone gets a seat at the table, because they’re driven to show up exactly they are.
I hope you know that there’s a seat at this table for you too. If you’re anything like my inner child or inner teen, you could do with some soft, warm proof that community does exist. I’d love for you to experience the same magic that I have over the last month. This community may be rare, but it’s 100% real.
If you’re ready for real community, you should join us March 5th, and if you’re reading this after March 5th, 2025, I guarantee there’s a community activity or event coming up in your future. No matter where you are, remember that your style journey is personal, but it doesn’t have to be lonely.
Abundantly,
