are you wrong, or are your clothes?
“I always look harsh in my clothes,” my client Audrey admitted during her style session. Before working with me, her solution to this “problem” was wearing the dainty floral prints and girly silhouettes. She hoped she would come across as more approachable, soft, and feminine, because as a woman, looking “harsh” is wrong.
(Insert my dramatic eye roll here).
Before understanding my own personal style, I can admit I tried a similar tactic. Hell, with my most recent closet edit, it was brought to my attention that I still fall victim to this tactic. My floral boiler suit, cropped asymmetrical moto jacket, and distressed jean jacket can be entered into evidence for their crimes against my authentic personal style. In case you’re new here, I’m someone that absolutely shines in a polished, structured 50s style house dress, so the trendy boiler suit, probably not the best representation of me. It was during this closet edit I met my anti-style. This anti style shows up when my inner teen’s fear of being a “loser” is triggered. She carelessly tosses her Ingenue Romantic Classic style aside and dives head first into dramatic gamine trends; into the clothes she’s convinced will make her cooler.
Then I started thinking about the other clients I’d worked with. While the insecurities differed with each client, the formula to addressing that insecurity was the same- we reject the fear and dress the opposite direction. For example:
Feeling too harsh? Wear dainty florals and baby ruffles!
Feeling too loud and extra? Only dawn neutrals and solids.
Feeling like you’re never taken seriously? Blazers and button ups… obviously.
Feeling boring? More pattern and bright color should fix you right up!
In my experience and my guess is in yours too, this tactic doesn’t actually work. Not only do we end up feeling wrong about the clothes, but even worse, we feel wrong about ourselves.
I’m going to interrupt those thoughts and propose a reframe.
You’re not wrong, your clothes are.
Please read that again before moving on.
Allow me to explain: each insecurity we have is actually the shadowy and rejected side of a major gift we embody. Audrey thought “harsh” was a perception she needed to fix. What I offered instead of her go to solution was the light within that shadow. She’s a strong force with a natural gift for discernment; she inherently knows that her energy and time is not for everyone. What’s even cooler is that her body and facial architecture communicate that through striking, sharp, and angular features. The only reason she felt harsh in her clothing was because she was trying to dress the opposite way. Why should she try to look delicate, when she was meant to shine in her strength?
Why should I be diving into trends that communicate “I’m chill and don’t care what other people think”, when my ability to connect with others is one of my greatest superpowers?
With that in mind, I’d like to offer a different perspective.
You’re not harsh, you’re just trying to look dainty.
You’re not too loud or extra, you’re trying to look too modest.
You’re not incapable, you’re just trying to look too serious and tough.
You’re not boring, you’re just trying to look too trendy.
The more you lean into your shadows, the more you’ll see your light.
Lean into your shadow, and you’ll realize the clothes are wrong, and you are perfectly right.
(Yes I made that rhyme on purpose so you can sing it to yourself when these incredibly unhelpful thoughts invade.)
If you need a spare flashlight to shine on that shadow of yours, I know a stylist that can help!
It’s me, the stylist is me.
